Happy belated Jesus isn't dead any more day...

You might not have noticed -- unless you've been hiding in the bushes on the other side of the road spying on my house like some sort of demented Claudia Schiffer* -- but I've been away for a while, living the life of Riley in Las Vegas. Only Riley clearly has a pretty crappy life, because Vegas isn't exactly the nicest place on the planet. Unless you're fond of cities where everyone's sole mission in life is to screw you over for every dollar you've got.

Where was I?

Ah yes, Easter.

I have to admit that I find organised religion both fascinating and abhorrently incomprehensible at the same time. Not fascinating enough to want to do any actual research or study into the subject though, I mean, that would just be madness. No, much more fun to make sweeping uninformed statements.

Take the Greek gods, for example. Zeus was forever knocking up dusky maiden perverts. Sometimes he was disguised as a swan, sometimes as a shower of gold, sometimes as a bull... And by these unions he would begat children, because that's what you do when you're a god, you go around begatting all over the place. You have to wonder what kind of woman is prepared to go to bed with a swan though, don't you? We've all seen birds 'gettin' busy' on nature programs, haven't we? At any point did you find yourself thinking, "Cor, I fancy some of that!"? If you did you're a dirty-freak pervert and should seek professional help.

Personally, if I was a god**, I wouldn't go about begatting with women who like to shag swans. I mean, what kind of mother are they going to be to my illegitimate half-deity children? Not exactly going to set a good example, are they?

But I digress. I've been thinking of setting up my own religion. Now you might be thinking, "Pffff... yes, you've got a sexy beard, but what qualifications do you have?" Well, I've got a science fiction novel coming out in September***, and there's a clear precedence for that kind of thing being parleyed into world religions.

Of course, to keep things simple I'm only going to have the one commandment: 'Don't be a dick.' This way we avoid all those tedious rules other religions come up with to justify their existence. Why take ten commandments into the shower, when you can just not be a dick and go?

According to She Who Must Be Consulted On Topics Of Theological Debate Because She Used To Be A Sunday School Teacher that's the guiding principle of Christianity: love unto something or other with neighbours... or something. I can't remember all the details, which is why my guiding principle is just four words long. A religion for the text-message loving popcorn generation.

As long as you remember to wear the ceremonial beard now and then, we should be good to go.

And all it's going to cost you is 20% of your annual income. Can't say fairer than that, can I?

* I've still got that restraining order in place, Claudia, so stop coming over here and stealing my underpants off the washing line! Or I'll set the cat on you.
** And obviously if there was any justice in the world I would be. And then there'd be some smiting! Oh yes indeedy!
*** If I ever finish rewriting the sodding thing.

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