Part-Frozen Mice

OK, so I'll admit it, I've been letting the whole 'communication with the outside world' thing go mouldy in the back of the fridge. Next to that bag of Brussels sprouts I've been hoarding since three weeks before Christmas.

I like Brussels sprouts. I like broccoli too, but for some reason, whenever there's a trapped farty smell wafting out of the salad drawer in the fridge, it's always one or the other that's causing it.

a part frozen mouse will keep in the porch for weeksOf course with the weather being what it is right now - sodding freeeeeeezing - not everyone is suffering from a case of the mouldys. The mouses Grendel brings home to visit with the Death Fairy are every bit as fresh and tasty today as they were last night, when they were dragged kicking and squealing from their little mousey igloos.

I wonder if they're technically mousecicles, and if so, can I market them to cats in hot countries? I bet if you're a ginger tabby living in the Maldives, you'd be grateful for an ice-cold mouse right about now. With a crunchy, chewy centre. The fur would keep them frozen for longer, and the tail makes a natural stick! There's a fortune to be made there. Or there would be if cats had any disposable income.

But I digress. Yes. Right - hermit like behaviour.

In an attempt to pretend I'm not some sort of shut-in mad person with a penchant for collecting mouldering brassicas I'm getting out and about a bit this year. (oh, you hussy!) Last week I strutted my cold, but funky stuff at Barrhead Community Library, down Glasgow way. And next Thursday I'm going to be hauling any stuff of a funk-like nature I have left down to Wester Hailes library, where Lin Anderson will be showing hers off too.

Which sounds a bit dirty.

And probably will be.

I've even started doing interviews again, believe it or not. If you've got Sky Arts on your telly, you can see me making a complete prat of myself on The Book Show this Thursday (12th), where I'll be getting my Pooh on for the ladies. Oh yes. You know you want it!

I also spoke to a nice young lady from the Highland Times about some workshops I'm going to be doing with that international man of disappearing hamsters, Allan Sunshine Guthrie. I think the interview went OK. Certainly the newspaper lady did a lot of giggling, and I don't think that was all down to my manly sexual magnetism. Not down the phone anyway. In person I can pick up filing cabinets with it. Which is handy if you need to hoover underneath them.

Well, at my time of life it helps to have something going for you.

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