We has mice...

Yes as 2008 limps and coughs its rattling way to a halt, I have a sorry admission to make: we have mice. Not in the house, and not in the garden - Grendel is far too conscientious in her slaughtering of the local fauna for that - no, our mice are in an all together more embarrassing location.

She Who Must Have A Four-Wheel-Drive Truck Thing To Get Up And Down The Country Lanes Of Much Muddiness And Occasional Snow has a mouse-infested car.

Well, I say 'mouse-infested', but we've never actually seen any of twichy-nosed little buggers, so it could only be the one mouse. But if that's the case it's a sodding dedicated mouse. Probably huge, with like, ten legs and teeth the size of kitchen knives, and a tail like a pig on steroids... or something. It's a cheeky wee bugger as well, last time I drove She Who Must's Daihatsu 4Trak there was a single, insolent mouse jobbie right there on the dashboard behind the steering wheel.

A jobbie.

There was a mouse jobbie in my wife's car. The rotten little furry bastard has been eating things as well: the underside of the driver's seat looks like someone's taken a cheese grater to it. Next up will be the electrics.

Apparently this isn't that uncommon for people who live in the country. The mice like to climb up the tyres, get into the bodywork via the wheel arches, and then live the life of Riley... assuming Riley was a small mouse trapped inside a rusty Daihatsu 4Trak that smells of horse. Which doesn't sound so great to me, but then I'm not a mouse.

Grendel's no help either. Yes, she's a dab paw at slaughtering the little rodenty sods when they're in the wild, but she hates getting into the car. Every time we put her in there she starts to shout rude things about not wanting to go to the vet. Very, very rude things. The sort of things a fluffy cat shouldn't even know how to spell, let alone shout.

Of course, I suppose I could get some mousetraps and plant them about the car's interior, bait them with peanut butter and wait to see what happens... but that seems a tad surreal.

"What are you doing this weekend, Stuart?"
"Oh, I'm buying a bunch of mousetraps for my wife's car."
"Your wife's car? Is it eating holes in the skirting boards? Devouring all your cheese? What kind of crazy-arsed car did you buy?"
"No, you idiot, the car got mice."
"The car's got mice?"
"Yup."
" ... OK, no more wine for you."

Plus it's the festive season. Who wants to evict a little fuzzy mouse over Christmas? That's like some sort of diseased Disney movie, isn't it? Where we follow our plucky mouse hero as the nasty man with a beard tries to evict him from the innards of an ancient Daihatsu 4Trak by a succession of ever more desperate plans. And in the end we all learn something about love,, and tolerance and the importance of friendship. *shudder*

I'll give the little sod till tomorrow. Then he's out of there.

In the meantime, I wish you all a good Old Year's Night, and Happy New Year when it comes. Unless you're a mouse: in which case you can bugger off.

Which part of 'No' don't you understand?

I've been meaning to post about this for a while, but recently I've been a little 'blessed' by the Mucal Fairie*. Which is never quite as much fun as one thinks when replying to the gilt-edged calling card he leaves on your sleeve. Well, I say 'gilt'... it's kinda shiny, so that's almost the same thing.

Anyway, yes, things: since I started writing this crime fiction malarkey, I've got to know a number of police officers and all of them are mightily pissed off that SPSA (the Scotish Police Services Authority) have all gone on some sort of lunchtime Absinthe bender and decided that it would be really, really good idea to shut the forensic lab for Grampian and shift everything down to a new-build facility in Dundee.

Wow, I can't see anything daft about that, can you? I mean, it's not as if the police need urgent round the clock access to forensic and fingerprint facilities, is it? They're not going to mind having a two hour round trip to the labs are they? Be nice for them, bit of a drive up and down to Dundee**, get out of the office for a while, look at the scenery. Not like they've got anything better to do, is it? Like -- ooh, I don't know, let's go out on a limb here -- catch bloody criminals?

'Aha,' you say, with that winsome smile of yours, 'but they don't actually have to go to Dundee, do they? They could totally just give them a phonecall, or an email. Or maybe send them a nice bunch of flowers.' Well, you know what: there's a huge difference between meeting someone face-to-face and sending them an email. Plus, we have something called the 'Chain of evidence' which means you can't just stick a blood-stained knife in the post (first class of course, I mean, let's not be silly about this) to the lab in Dundee and hope anything you get off of it will actually stand up in court. Every bit of evidence has to be signed for, supervised, passed from A to B in a very controlled manner, so even if you're not getting police officer acting as delivery boys (and girls), you're still going to have to have someone legally accountable do it. Not to mention just how incredibly important it is for forensic scientist to know about the area they're dealing with.

But don't just take it from me, this is what one of my mates who works for Grampian Police Force Headquarters says about it:

"Murder investigations in the north and north-east could be put in jeopardy if Aberdeen's forensic laboratory is closed..."'The Scottish Police Services Authority have proposed to close down the Aberdeen Forensic Laboratory and Fingerprint Dept, and move all the work to a new facility in Dundee.

This move is being opposed by Grampian Police, the Grampian Joint Police Board, UNISON, and several local MSPs who have been mounting a campaign against the closure.

This closure WOULD have a negative effect on crime detection and policing in the north east of Scotland. In the past few weeks alone, Aberdeen has seen three murders, the investigations of which have greatly benefitted from the forensic services being based locally. The Aberdeen forensic services enjoy close working relationships with the Police, helping to fight serious and volume crime in the north east of Scotland. As well as the negative impact on the ability to investigate crime, moving the facilities to Dundee would also have massive implications for transportation of productions, as well as scientists attending courts and crime scenes.

The SPSA, at the request of the Justice Secretary, are now carrying out a 'consultation' process, however, this process is flawed. The SPSA are not impartial, and so should not be carrying out the consultation in the first place. Secondly, they are not listening to the huge volume of reasonable and valid arguments being put forward to keep the forensic services in Aberdeen.

UNISON have now prepared an e-petition on the Scottish Parliament website and you can get to it here.

If you care about the quality of the provision of forensic science to the north-east of Scotland, PLEASE log on and sign the petition, and circulate the link to as many people as you can.'

That's the polite version.

I don't know a single person in, or associated with, Grampian Police that thinks taking all the forensic and fingerprint work and sodding off to Dundee is a good idea. The Chief Constable says: "Murder investigations in the north and north-east could be put in jeopardy if Aberdeen's forensic laboratory is closed..." How could that possibly not be a good thing?

So I asked about and got another couple of quotes***:

"The SPSA have been an absolute disaster since coming into being in April 2007. Their only success has been in destroying the top class forensic service that the Police Forces have managed to build up over the years."

"They're incompetent, disorganised, have their priorities all wrong, and don't seem to realise that their creation was to make the provision of forensic services in Scotland better - their own website claims that they wish to create 'a world class forensic service'. Bollocks. They have only succeeded in hindering an already excellent service."

"The idea to close the Aberdeen lab and move everything to Dundee is ill-conceived, and based on inaccurate, skewed data (and downright lies), and will lead only to a reduction in the quality of the forensic service provision to the north east of Scotland. The SPSA are one of the worst things to happen to Scotland in a long time."

It's pretty easy to see that there's a lot of unhappy people out there, people who're really dedicated to doing a good job, but don't believe this is the right way to go about it.

Personally, and you know, just speaking for myself, I think it's a daft idea, that no one who's going to be affected by is in favour of. The only people who seem to want this are the SPSA -- and as they're the ones doing the 'consultation' it's a fair bet which side they're going to come down on.

I've been and signed the online petition. Fancy joining me?

* And his close personal friend the Pleurisy Pixie.
** Not that there's anything wrong with Dundee, it's just not where we should be doing our forensic science work.
** From sources that I'm going to keep anonymous, because, you know, dude, this is like their jobs and I don't want to get them into trouble.

Come sit on me...

That's one good thing about being a tad on the podgy side: I'm very soft and squishy to sit on. Yeah, make yourself comfortable, Baby, I want you to be relaxed when I do my thang...

*ahem*

By which strange and dubiously erotic meanderings you're supposed to be able to tell that I'm going to be a chair. Not just any chair, but a comfy chair. That's right, in 2010 I'm going to be the comfy chair of The Theakstons Old Peculier Crime Writing Festival. For four whole days at the end of July I'll be desperately trying not to cock up the biggest crime writing festival in the whole damn world*. I'm planning on at least a couple of ulcers in the process, and possibly a spell in the Betty Ford clinic, or whatever the Aberdonian equivalent is**.

Now there are upsides to this -- I get to pick who I want to be on panels and stuff (well, after the due and democratic process of mud wrestling with rest of the programming committee has taken place) Which is kinda cool, don't you think?

I like to think of myself, in my capacity as comfy chair, as a beneficent dictator, and so, to maintain the impression that I've not actually annexed, invaded, or 'settled' anyone or thing I shouldn't have***, I'm going to throw the floor open to suggestions. Hell, as I'm in generous mood, I'll also throw two windows open**** and the bathroom door. Can't say fairer than that, can I?

So roll up, roll up: tell me who you'd like to see special guesting, or panelling at Harrogate 2010.

Stuart now sits back in his seat and waits for the inevitable stampede of silence and tumble weed...


* Note: I said it was the biggest FESTIVAL in the world -- conventions are completely different beasts.
** Probably a shed at the bottom of someone called Sandy's garden, where you have to wear a haddock-skin loincloth and battle velociraptor-sized seagulls for really good fish and chips three times a day. That's the kind of thing that builds character you know. Yes, you may loose a few appendages, but ... er ... Hmm, 'loincloth' + 'lost appendages'... Eek! OK, so maybe it's not such a good idea after all.
*** Just in case anyone from the UN Security Council is reading this and feeling all rowdy and frisky.
**** Not for long though, as it's sodding freezing up here in the North East of Scotland. She Who Must Be Taken Out and Shown Exotic Things and I went to the international Market on Sunday in an attempt to purchase various unusual comestibles, and it was so cold you could see our breath as we exhaled into the frosty air. Which is OK if you haven't got a beard. If you do have a beard it acts as a condenser, and you end up with your top lip all covered with hairy dew, so you look like you've got a runny nose and can't be arsed blowing it. Not the best of looks, I think you'll agree. No one in the history of sane people ever looked at someone else and said, "God, your bogies look sexy tonight!"