Beer! Beer! BEER!!!
When I was wee, I made a list of things I'd like to achieve before I got old and stinky. Things like: go into space; make Doris Day my love slave*; kick the living shite out of Duncan McFee**; eat my own weight in pickled onions... You know: stuff grounded in realism. But one thing I thought beyond my destinitinous*** dreams was having my very own beer****.
Well dream no more, beardy boy, for fate has dug deep in it's lint-lined pocket and bought you a pint of the best!
Yup, as of Wednesday discerning connoisseurs of the brewers art may feast their jaded pallets on a super special, super limited edition ale, because those fine chaps (and chapesses) at Skye Brewery have produced a brew of artistic wonder to mark the publication of Book Number The Fourth.
Oh yes indeederoonie - from Wednesday you'll be able to walk into the very best pubs in Scotland and order a pint of FLESH HOUSE. 3.8% of blonde beer-type wonderment, guaranteed to make you completely irresistible to the opposite sex!*****
"But," I hear you yell, in an alcohol-soaked fervour, "where can we purchase this beer of exquisite loveliness, oh Bearded Sex God of mine?"
Well, you can get your hands on my foaming beery goodness at the following emporiums of the brewer's art (also known as pubs):
The Redgarth - Oldmeldrum
Castle Tavern - Inverness
Glenkindie Arms Hotel - Strathdon
Benleva Hotel - Drumnadrochit
Uig Hotel - Isle of Skye
Marine Hotel - Stonehaven
The Grill - Aberdeen
All of them excellent, independent pubs with a reputation of really knowing what they're doing when it comes to storing and serving really good beer******
And as an extra special treat, Archibald Simpson are going to be selling it too! And as that's where a lot of Aberdeen's police officers drink after a hard shift keeping the city safe, I'm pretty chuffed about it.
And all this was the dark and twisted idea of Stuart Singer of the Redgarth in Oldmeldrum (DI Insch's local and not only does it features in the FLESH HOUSE, Stuart gets a speaking part too!). Now I am officially rock and roll. Whoo, yeah, and other things.
* Well, I was only young and she was very, very pretty. I mean, you would, wouldn't you? Phoaaaaaaaar... (I mean that in an inclusive and empowering way)
** He lived up the road from me and was a rotten bullying bastard. But his eyes were too close together, so I can take solace in the fact that he's either never managed to get a woman to have sex with him, or he's had SERIOUSLY ugly babies.
*** It wasn't a word before, but it is now. Destinitinous: noun. items of an impending destiny-related nature. e.g. "Dropping the pregnancy down the toilet was destinitinous for Daphne, because nine months later her life followed it." See? Perfectly cromulent.
**** Partly because I was five and had no concept of naughty grown-up things like beer. (though Doris Day was obviously a destinitinous exception)
***** Or that's what you'll think after six or seven pints of the stuff, by which time you'll probably be making sweet, sweet love to the nearest fire extinguisher. You saucy minx you.
****** Is it just me, or do I sound like 'VOICEOVERMAN'?