Santa comes but once a year

I was going to work out how many shopping days there were left until Christmas groans it's swollen belly full of festering festive frippery down our collective chimneys, but I can't be bothered. Ah yes, it's only September and already our bearded protagonist has got himself a nasty dose of the bah-humbugs.

My local supermarket already has two aisles dedicated to the gods of too much chocolate and other assorted tinselly folderol. And I know this looks like it's turning into an annual rant, as predictable as the seasons*, but... Actually, I'll just leave that one there, because I'm guessing that by the time September 2009 comes round I will be equally incensed that we've not had Halloween yet, but you can already buy bloody mince bloody pies.

I mean, who wants to eat mince pies in September? Actually, let's be honest here: who wants to eat them at all. EVER? Because, let's face it, they're basically just vile little nuggets of yuck.

There is, however, an up-side to all this down: Jelly Tots. You can finally buy big tubes of Jelly Tots again. Mmm... You have to love Jelly Tots, otherwise people look at you strangely and throw things. And you deserve it too, you freak. How could you not love Jelly Tots? That's like saying, "Kittens are really ugly, aren't they?" and then sexually assaulting a nun.

So the point of this rambling meander is that I've already started to stockpile these lovely buttony nipples of chewy fruitiness (as opposed to the aforementioned vile little nuggets of yuck), squirrelling them away like a ... a ... well, a squirrel, I suppose. Only without all that twitchy nose nonsense. I mean, who are they trying to kid? Like they wouldn't rip your throat out if you fell asleep under their tree. Oh yeah, they're cute, but I wouldn't trust one in my trouser pocket, that's all I'm saying.

Plus I've given She Who Must Buy Her Husband Nice Christmas Presents** a subtle hint as to what I'd like for Christmas. It went like this,

Me: "Bloody Christmas stuff's in the shops again."
SWM: "You're not going to go off on one about Mince Pies again, are you?"
Me: "Well, it's not natural, is it?"
SWM: "Every sodding year..."
Me: "But they've got Jelly Tots in too! Hurrah!" Holds up tube of Jelly Tots as a visual aid. "See?"
SWM: "Urgh."
Me: "What?"
SWM: "Horrible jelly sweeties. How can you eat them?"
Me: "Because it wouldn't be Christmas without Jelly Tots. Anyway, they're only a pound. A pound a tube! How cool is that?"
SWM: "You're mad."
Me: "Go and buy them! Buy them for my Christmas! Buy them now!" Shakes tube for emphasis. "This is my subtle Christmas hint!" Shake, shake, shake... etc.

See, that's how sensible grown-up adults conduct themselves.

* Or at least, as predictable as the seasons used to be. Nowadays, the only thing you can predict about them with any degree of accuracy is that the weather will be uniformly crap, with outbreaks of poop and 'just fuck off you raining BASTARD!'
** Just because I don't want the shops to be groaning with Christmas tat in September, it doesn't mean I don't want to traipse downstairs on Christmas morning, to find the tree groaning with presents for ME! I'm grumpy, not daft.

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