Spreading the wealth

I was going to have a bit of a rant about this piece in the Independent bemoaning Harrogate and the TOPCNotY, but to be honest I can't be bothered. Maybe later, if the vitriolic tide takes me off for a surf on WTF bay...

In the meantime I want you all to be the first to know I'm going to be a multi-millionaire! Yes, the lovely Mr. Suleman Aminu (no less than the Chief Auditor In Charge of the African Development Bank) has unearthed $19,300,000.00 in unclaimed wealth, and apparently 39% of it can be mine, ALL MINE!!!

I have admit that his email started out well enough:

"How are you doing together with your family? [Bit of a personal question, but he's the chief auditor at a big, not made up bank, so I guess it's OK: They're fine. Well, Grendel wouldn't come in last night so I had to wander up and down the road outside the house in my jammies shouting her name and getting bitten by midges, but other than that: fine. Thank you for asking.] I guessed all is well. [And you guessed right, Suleman me old mucker! Except for the midge bites, which itch like a bastard. Pyjama's don't have zip flies you know.] My massage should not be a surprise proposal to you [Yes it bloody well is. You're proposing a massage? I know you're a professional auditor, but are you also a part time masseur? Will this surprise massage involve warm baby oil? From freshly squeezed babies? And will I get to keep my underpants on? I have midge bites to think of you know.] because i got your contact information from the international directory in few weeks ago before i decided to contact you on this magnitude and lucrative transaction for our future survival in life [My future survival? Is it in jeopardy? Is someone coming after me with a sharpened haddock with an insane glint in its eye? Suleman, you're beginning to freak me out here...]."

Then it went on about how he'd just happened to find $19,300,000.00 lying about after some poor bugger went and died in a plane crash, taking all his friends, family and dog with him.

I think this must have been quite an exciting find for old Suleman -- well, it would be, wouldn't it? Not every day you fall over nineteen million dollars -- because my only explanation for what comes next is a very heavy liquid lunch to celebrate.

"As a honour and advantage bestowed to our foreigncustomers base on the rules guilding our bank, it was stated obviously that if you are not a citizen of Burkina Faso , you have the absolute authority to claim the fund hence you are a foreigner despite your differences from the country of origin of the deceased."

What? Eh? WTF? Suleman: cup of black coffee; go for a walk; get some fresh air; stop sniffing the Shake And Vac. I have absolute authority because I'm foreign? Very flattering, but with absolute authority comes absolute responsibility, and I don't know if I'm ready for that kind of commitment. Maybe that's what the massage is for, to loosen me up...

And what does Suleman get for this selfless act of transferring wodges of cash into my bank account? A paltry 52% ($10,036,000.00) at today's currency rates that's only worth £4,964,358.456, barely worth getting out of bed for.

"BUT!" I hear you cry, "39% plus 52% equals 91%, what about the other 9%?" Well, I'm glad you asked me that, because this is the heart-warming part: that 9% is going to go to "respectable Organisations Centers such as CharityOrganisation, Motherless Babies homes, and helpless disabled people in the World" Awwwww... isn't Suleman a sweetie?

"Now, if you are really sure of your trustworthy, accountability, confidentiality on this transaction, contact me and agree that you will not change your mind to cheat or disappoint me when the fund have getting into your account."

I see... so you're going to embezzle nineteen MILLION dollars from your employer, using some weird arsed loophole that makes you sound like you've been drinking Windolene all morning, and you're worried about me cheating you? I can understand that. But I can't promise not to disappoint you -- I may be taller than you expect, or not as bearded. Or maybe I'll break wind at an inappropriate time? Who knows? The point is that life is full of disappointments, you have to accept that Suleman and move on. Otherwise you'll never be able to relax.

And all I have to do for my share of the $19M is give him my telephone and fax numbers! It's a bargain! How can I possibly lose?

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