Not as tall as I once was

Once upon a time, when I was eighteen and could go out drinking all night and still resemble a member of the human race the next morning, I was six foot tall. I know this because a man with a medical degree did measure me with a measury thing and say so. Or at least I think he had a medical degree. For all I know it was one of those placemats you get in restaurants where kiddies can colour in pictures of Christ knows what while the grownups consume as much high-alcohol lager as possible, I didn't actually check.

More fool me, I suppose. Especially considering the liberties this so called 'Doctor' took with my private areas. "Turn and cough," indeed. Pervert. Come to think of it, I've never checked the medical credentials of anyone who's made free with my manly areas. Not even the guy claiming to be a dentist who makes all those excited noises while he fiddles with my teeth. Hmm...

Anyway, the point of this ramble is that I was once six foot, but now I'm only five eleven and a half. That's a whole half inch I've lost. From the look of things it's hiding in my waistline. Rotten squatting half-inchy bastard.

Another example of this decrease in stature is the news that I am no longer longlisted for the Theakstons Old Peculier Crime Novel of the Year Award. Now I am on the list of short people instead. And I'm sure I'm much taller than Allan Guthrie...

The full list of people now a lot shorter than they originally believed is:

The aforementioned Mr Guthrie has stated on his blog that the voting for the shortlist opens on the 29th of June, but he might just be saying that so his nefarious army of ballot-stuffers can get a head start on MY nefarious army of ballot-stuffers.

Rest assured I shall launch an election campaign of dirty tricks, slander, mud-slinging and corruption just as soon as I find out what the score is. Don't be surprised to find me on your doorstep, smiling like an escaped lunatic and asking if you want any babies kissing.

Oh yes -- it's going to be brutal. After all, there's beer at stake...

Labels: , , ,