Democracy gone mad
That's right the polls have now opened on the final round of the Theakston's Old Peculier Crime Novel of the Year Award. It is your democratic right, nay dutyto rush out and vote*.
In the interests of party-political-correctness I should mention that a number of other candidates are up for election:
- Allan Guthrie (Two-Way Split Party)
- Christopher Brookmyre (All Fun and Games Until Somebody Loses an Eye Party)
- Graham Hurley (Blood and Honey Party)
- Stephen Booth (The Dead Place Party)
- Michael Jecks (The Death Ship of Dartmouth Party)
Now as your parliamentary candidate for this award I obviously would never suggest that any of the above are DEVIANTS AND PERVERTS -- or that they don't want to kiss anyone's babies, are in favour of swearwords being shaved into the heads of old ladies, and compulsory verrucas for everyone over the age of three -- but I think the evidence speaks for itself. Or it will do as soon as I've fabricated it.
As for me? Well, I don't mind telling you how gosh-darned special and modest I am. See? Here's a picture of me and Kofi Annan**. He wanted to take up nude bungee jumping, but I was all like, "Dude! You should totally be a force for something or other in the world today. Like, uniting the nations and stuff." And then he broke wind and we all laughed. Hahaha. Even though it was a really eggy one.
But that's the kind of international statesman I am. If I was inclined to idle speculation (which I am) I'd say that none of the other candidates have ever giggled at the sulphurous emissions of the United Nations' Secretary-General.
Now I know you're all jumping at the bit to rush out and commit all manners of electoral fraud on my behalf, but I want this to be a good clean election, based on the issues. And that's the story I'm sticking to if you get arrested.
In the meantime, here's a badge for you to cut out and wear with pride as you run roughshod over everyone in your path to deliver victory!
To the barricades!
* FOR ME. Not that I'm biased, but let's face it I'm by far the prettiest candidate this year.
** Which is totally real and not faked in PhotoShop at all! I was just feeling a bit monochrome that day...