Yes, by the time you read this it will be May the third! Well, unless you live in some strange part of the world not tied to Greenwich mean time* in which case you probably can't vote in the Scottish elections and I don't have to be nice to you. Or kiss your scabrous, snot-crusted offspring.

In an effort to do some last-minute canvassing I've been out daubing obscenities on everyone else's posters. So now, instead of saying "Vote Labour!", "Re-elect Lib Dems!", "Conservatives for Scotland" or even "Vot Fur the BNP, Youse fucks!" they now say things like, "We Eat Babies!", "Screw You, Pensioners!", "Fuck-Weaselry Guaranteed!" and "Eat Shit And Die, Voterfuckers!" It's a little underhand, but then that's what politics is all about. Being shitty to one another and lying out your back teeth. And wearing really nasty suits.

What? Of course I believe in the system! How dare you...

Anyway, now that I have successfully scuppered any other bastard's chance of winning the election tomorrow, I shall set out my cabinet of electoral loveliness for you to vote for. Or suffer the consequences.

Supreme Ruler of Scotland: Me
Lord High Godmother in charge of caravans and other bloody annoying bastards who need to be stricken from our roads: Val McDermid
Home Secretary (must wear short skirt and be chased round a desk): John Rickards
Chancellor of the Exchequer and holder of the hairy sporran: Mark Billingham
Minister for Health: Simon Kernick (a bottle of gin for every toddler!)
Minister for Socks, Beards and Barbecues: Tamara Jones
Minister for Press Relations: Jim Winters
Minister for Getting Them Out For The Baying Masses: Agent Phil (who does, on regular occasions do his 'Churchill Looking Startled' impersonations, until someone calls the police)

Remember: today VOTE MACBRIDE If you don't then you approve of all sorts of unspecified nasty stuff and probably have no friends. And everyone laughs at you behind your back. And you smell. Of badger jobbies.

You know it makes sense!

* That's right, we have an official time to be mean to people.