We've never had a problem we could solve by giving away a family member before.

Well, I think that the 'BROKEN SKIN and BLOODSHOT are the same damn book' thing has been up for long enough. From here on in, anyone who buys the pair of them only has themselves to blame. We've been on to Amazon too, so hopefully that should sort it out.

In the meantime, things have been afoot at Casa MacBride. Actually, they've been more ahoof than afoot, but the basic principal's the same. We have given a family member away. Not me, thankfully. And certainly not Grendel. But She Who Must Be Treated With Kid Gloves And Chocolate's pride and joy: the Boy Rat. Yes, Jasper, horse of the house, has gone off on loan to someone who has a big field, other horses, and a collection of dirty big electricity pylons.

This is what happens if you misbehave in my household!

He's been suffering from arthritis for a couple of years now, but it's finally got to the stage where he's no longer able to school and do all that dressage poncing about that She Who Must Be Ribbed About It Endlessly likes to do. So while Jasper goes off to enjoy a semi-retired lifestyle of shuffleboard and the odd game of bingo, I'm going to be enjoying the delights of having a wife who doesn't always come home smelling of horse-wee every night. Now some nights will be horse-wee free!

And far from being the emotional tear-jerker that I thought it was going to be, leaving Jasper at his new home was surprisingly uneventful: the little fat sod just stuck his head into the fresh grass and tried to eat his own bodyweight in under fifteen seconds. All his new horsey chums trotted up to say hello, and he said, 'Can youse not see oi'm eating? Feck off.' And they did canter after him, saying, 'Who are you? Are you going to play with us? Are you here to stay?' And he said, 'Feckin' hell, oi'm eatin' me tea here! Bugger off out of it, youse feckin' rat-faced bastards...'

We brought him up nice and polite.

Now we have to wait and see if he kills someone. If he does we'll have to take the tubby, wee sod back and find somewhere good to hide the body. Lucky we're surrounded by pig farms, eh?