The bearded manifesto

You know, people often ask me what I'd do if I ruled the world. Obviously this is because I'm the kind of man that men want to be, and women want to be with. Until they find out about my obsession with kidnapping Gloria Hunniford, skinning her alive, then wearing her pale, white epidermis as a kind of leathery smoking jacket. Only I don't smoke... I do drink red wine though, so it could be a drinking jacket. And I'm sure there'd be enough spare flesh for some nice deep pockets in which to smuggle partially-drunk pints out of bars.

Anyway, leaving aside my wholesome obsession, I have given this world dominion thing a bit of a think and decided that it's best to start small. Maybe by having myself declared Supreme Ruler of Scotland in the May the 3rd elections. To this end, and so you, the unwashed masses will know what you're voting for, I hereby unleash my manifesto for a better tomorrow.

  1. Reintroduce capital punishment for Barry Scott and any other shouty bastard off the telly I don't like.
  2. Make wearing white socks with black trousers and black shoes punishable by enforced public humiliation and having the word 'TOSSPOT' painted on the perpetrator's head in indelible ink.
  3. My birthday to be a national holiday. Everyone to chip in and buy me a nice present.
  4. All families in the UK to be forced to buy at least one book a month. None of which are allowed to be an autobiography by some vacuous celebrity whom everyone knows to be illiterate.
  5. All adverts for low cost loans, debt consolidation, or suing the arse off everyone because you're too stupid to put on your own trousers without causing yourself an injury to be banned. All those involved in producing said adverts to be stripped of their dangerous trousers and spanked on national television.
  6. August 22nd to be 'National Crime Fiction Day' Everyone must buy at least three crime novels (one of which has to be mine, obviously) and then talk about them in the pub. At great length. While drinking lots of beer. These three books do not count towards your twelve total for the year. They're a special treat.
  7. All producers of reality television shows to be taken outside and nailed to a tree alongside Barry Bastarding Scott. If the television show involves 'celebrities' getting voted off every week, then punishment to include being nailed into a barrel of human excrement first.
  8. No one is allowed to invade countries they can't spell the name of.
  9. Being a member of the paparazzi will become an extreme sport. If you hang around outside nightclubs / gyms / Marks and Bloody Spencer / other people's houses in order to take candid photographs of them looking fat and or ugly, the person you're photographing will have the right to take a swing at you, if they can catch you. And you can't then sue them for emotional distress or breaking your nose, you parasitic bastard. The person can also hire someone else to smack you one. But as I am a beneficent dictator they're only allowed to hit you once. But they can use baseball bats if they like.
  10. Breaking wind and then blaming someone else to be made illegal. Especially if it's a really eggy one.

I will now open the floor to reasoned debate and suggestions for additional manifesto items.


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