Just how stupid do they think we are?

This whole not sleeping nonsense has gone on long enough. We went out and bought a jar of Kalms Sleep. According to the write-up, 'Kalms Sleep Tablets are a traditional herbal remedy containing a blend of plant ingredients that help promote natural sleep.' That'll do for me then. Trouble sleeping? Take something that promotes sleep. Job done and everyone's happy. Until you read the warning bit on the side of the box.

I'm not pregnant or breastfeeding, so I'm OK on those counts. Nor am I under 12 years old (though She Who Must Treat Her Poor Husband More Cruelly Than Anyone Else In The World likes to think that I act like I am), so that's not going to be a problem either. No what bothers me is the line that says, 'May cause drowsiness.' May it? I would bloody well hope it does: that's what I bought the sodding stuff for in the first place. If it doesn't cause drowsiness I'm going to take it back to the shop and ram it up the nose of whoever's manning the Customer Services desk.

Mind you, it's not the only half-wit thing in our bathroom -- not counting me, of course -- there's the handwash. Asda's 'Fresh anti-bacterial handwash' to be precise. It moisturises, is tough on germs and is the same sort of luminous lime-green colour as radioactive bogies.

The small print on this one says, 'This product is safe for use up to 24 months after opening.' Which is nice. But what happens after that? If you've not used the whole thing in one year, eleven months, thirty days, twenty three hours, fifty nine minutes and fifty nine seconds, does it suddenly become dangerous to use? Does it eat through skin? Actually, that might explain the nasal ectoplasm colour. Maybe it goes feral and runs through the house with a pair of scissors? Or has play swordfights with bamboo canes. Our mum always told us we'd put someone's eye out if we played pirates with bamboo canes. Which is probably why Long John Silver and Captain Hook have to wear an eyepatch. Their mums didn't warn them when they were little.

Or maybe they kept their Asda Fresh anit-bacterial handwash one day too long and paid the ultimate price?