Tick, tick, tick, tick...
Yup -- it's now seven and an half hours (give or take) till I have to be back in my inhumane little cubicle at INoGITCH. And I seem to be the only one not subscribing to the 'Oh Bloody hell: why are you going back? Are you retarded or something?' camp. She Who Must Think Her Husband Is Missing Something Important Between The Ears has decided that I'm off my rocker. And she may well be right. OK, so she's from Fife, so that's not likely (statistically speaking), but there's always a first time.
To make matters worse, we went shopping for work clothes on Saturday. Markies -- fucking useless and full of shite, except for the 'Extra Value Suit' which seemed to be really well made, except for the trousers which looked like they were trying to crampon their way up the north crevice. If you know what I mean. John Lewis were more useless, only in a much funnier way. Every time I saw one of their price tags I laughed, and laughed, and laughed...
In the end it was a close run thing between suicide, murder and Slater's Men's Wear. And dear God forgive my non-manliness, but I bought a suit. And then another suit. And then some shirts. And two ties. WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME? I've not bought a single stitch of clothing since the David Hasselhoff impersonator's outfit, eighteen months ago. Why on earth did I pick now to go mad?
On the bright side, I can probably use one of the suits to traumatise people at crime events. It's a linen-style thing and gives one the air of a bearded Michael Palin gone to seed. With no mates. And the faint whiff of despair.
The worst part about this shopping binge of DOOM is that the suits aren't going to be available till Monday lunchtime. So my newfound colleagues won't get the benefit till later in the week. Supposing any of them notice.
Of course, maybe my return to work will be heralded with trumpets and feted calves, but somehow I bloody doubt it. Would lunch be too much to ask for?
posted by Stuart MacBride @ 1:30 am
7 Comments:
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At 8:30 am,
Vincent said...
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At 7:15 pm,
Stuart MacBride said...
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At 7:48 pm,
Vincent said...
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At 9:19 pm,
Stephen Blackmoore said...
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At 11:34 pm,
Kevin Wignall said...
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At 1:26 am,
Stuart MacBride said...
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At 2:04 pm,
EJ said...
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Post a CommentSo you're not only going back to work, you're going back in a suit? I refuse to work anywhere that requires the wearing of a suit, which is why the only suit I own is a £70 jobby I bought from C&A nine years ago.
Still, choosing to go back and work in a cubicle whilst wearing a suit, that's... admirable in all sorts of ways I can't understand.
One good thing about being forced to get a new suit is that I’ll be prepared should anyone drop down dead. Black suit, you see: perfect for graveside fun.
That almost sounds like you're expecting people to top themselves if they see you in that new suit. And if you are expecting that and you wear the suit regardless, I'm sure that qualifies as premeditated manslaughter.
"perfect for graveside fun."
No, graveside fun should be done with a red sequined tuxedo, a large sombrero and a dancing monkey. And maybe some bullhorns and bagpipes. To liven things up a bit.
I've always been of the firm belief that a gentleman should have a decent selection of suits in his wardrobe but should only be required to wear them for significant church services.
What is this "work" of which you speak?
And more seriously, am not familiar with Slater but for a man with a fuller figure like yourself I'd always go for a Hugo Boss or a Jaeger for everyday wear, or perhaps one of the less fitted Armanis.
'Fuller figure'
Right that's it, Withnail: tell your butler I'm going to kick the crap out of him!
So why are you going back? Surely you don't want to spend your precious vacation time doing cons and signings. It's Grendel, isn't it? Is she tired of you interrupting her naps?