Because there's always time for realism in poetry

The boy stood on the burning deck,
Eating red-hot scallops,
One fell down his trouser leg,
And burned him on the...

Or at least that was the story he told the nurses in Accident and Emergency when he was admitted for third degree burns to his genitals. The doctors were quickly able to establish that the burn pattern was inconsistent with pan, or deep-fried shellfish. Further, examination proved conclusively that the injury had been sustained by the patient making sweet, sweet love to a Tefal four slice toaster with croissant warming attachment.

Head of Aberdeen Royal Infirmary's burn unit, Doctor Noble (43) issued the following statement:

"We take the NHS's commitment to prevention being better than cure very seriously. As such the attending physician told the patient to sod off out of it, and the next time he injured himself humping household electrical appliances we'd cut his fucking legs off and keep them."

The boy in question , who cannot be named for legal reasons, declined to comment.