I am not a pervert: Official

Yes, all the rest of you out there are questionable, but I have written proof from Grampian Police that I'm not a freak, weirdo, criminal, deviant, or a danger to small furry mammals. So in your face RRFFF!

It's all down to this workshop I've agreed to do in Fyvie Castle -- as there will be school childers present the Council sent me a 'Disclosure Scotland' form where they ask for every place you lived since the dawn of time, inside leg measurement and how much they'd have to pay you to sleep with Gloria Hunniford. Apparently that last bit is sponsored by Mz Hunniford herself: well, it's always nice to be proactive.

It's weird to have the police go digging through your past -- what if they find out about that incident back in Primary Two? The one involving marigold rubber gloves and a raffia donkey? You know: the one we promised never to talk about again?

But it's nice to know I'm safe to leave your valuables, children, wives and girlfriends with. Especially your girlfriends. As long as they do heavy lifting and the odd spot of gardening.