Because even the fall-back dial-up access I've got is ropier than a 1970's macramé factory. Thousands of hippies making those weird owl wall hangers are less ropey than my internet connection. Bloody internet.
Anyway, I've got my schedule for the bookshop part of my bijou American tour, so if you're in the any of the following cites, on the following dates and are at a loose end at the following times, you might want to consider going somewhere else and hiding until the smoke clears...
Wednesday, August 16: New York
I'll be signing stock at:
58 Warren Street (b/w Church and Broadway)
Partners in Crime
44 Greenwich Avenue (b/w 6th and 7th)
And then going to a party at Black Orchid. So New York is relatively safe and beard event free. Lucky sods.
Thursday, August 17: Minneapolis
More stock being vandalised at
2864 Chicago Avenue South
And then at 7:00 PM it's
Once Upon a Crime
604 W. 26th Street
For a reading and general beardy mayhem.
Friday August 18: Madison
Booked for Murder
2701 University Avenue
This will be my second actual US event, so by then I'll probably be blasé and drunk as a skunk, demanding that passers-by purchase sixteen copies of my book, or else. There may be singing and exposing of genetalia.
Saturday, August 19: Milwaukee
This is going to be an odd one:
2109 N. Prospect Avenue
It's mid-morning(ish), so a good time for shoppers, and I'll have been up since about half four / five in the morning in order to make the flight from Madison. Expect giggling, wobbling about a bit, and the occasional bit of falling over.
Sunday, August 20: Chicago
My only event at a city not beginning with 'M'!
Borders Books and Music #20
1500 16th Street, Suite D
Last night at the proms time, with Pomp and Circumstance played on an improvised set of bagpipes made from a startled-looking Cairn Terrier, some old bits of bamboo and half a mile of ducktape. (or Duct Tape, if mallard-based adhesive is not available).
And after that it's home to dear old blighty for jet lag, mince and tatties, and a desperate attempt to be even vaguely human for an event at the Edinburgh International Book Festival on the 23rd. Where people can look forward to my every second sentence beginning with, "When I was on tour, in the States..."
Ah yes, you think I'm difficult to live with now: just you wait!