Like pulling teeth

Dentists are like hens teeth in the north east of Scotland. Mine is miles away in Banchory, we can't get anything nearer. When the dental practice in Oldmeldrum (our nearest one) decided to ditch all its NHS patients and force people to re-register as private patients it made the big newspapers -- hundreds of people queued up. That's how bad things are. And it's interfering with the editing, damn it!

Today I've only managed to assassinate 1,451 words with my red ninja pen of ninjaness. Which isn't the same as yesterday's mighty red pen of DOOM, which I've had to give a decent, pagan burial in the frog-shaped wicker wastepaper basket. It was new yesterday morning too. I'm hoping this one's going to last a bit longer, but I'm not counting anyone's chickens.

Anyway, from the cutting room floor comes:

Surprisingly enough, 'Operation Sheep-Shagger' wasn't its official title. It occupied the smallest incident room in FHQ, little bigger than a domestic bathroom with a tatty whiteboard and a couple of ancient computers, their plastic casings yellowy and covered with sticky marks. Someone had pinned a sheet of A3 on the wall opposite the door, with: 'YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE A PERVERT TO WORK HERE, BUT IT HELPS' on it in big black letters above a photo of the Prime Minister. The other walls were covered with A4, full-colour printouts: men, women and animals in various highly illegal and compromising positions. All the naughty bits covered with little yellow Post-it notes.

The room was littered with box files and forms, as two uniformed constables -- one male, one female -- tried to match the screenshots to people on the national register for sex offenders. Only unlike the officers working on Operation Vindaloo, they had the whole country to search and a suspect list that was probably only thirty percent accurate. It was usually only those stupid enough to get caught on camera who actually got convicted. God knew how many perverts were out there practising 'animal husbandry'.

Operation DarkFire -- to give it its proper name -- was going nowhere fast.