Ah yes, it's that time of year again, when the mighty nations of Europe -- open brackets, cough, cough, close brackets -- and some other countries who like to pretend to be European so they can get in on the act, do battle on the noble field that is the Eurovision Song Contest. Or 'vote for the country closest to yours no matter how crap their song is' as it's also know. Hurrah!

Last year She Who Must and I went to Googling Brother and SIL Kim's place for fondue and sarcasm, which was fun. We divvied up the countries and rooted for whatever dreadful noise they made when their turn came. More than once was heard the cry, "Sing, proud sons of Norway!" Ah yes. But this year it'll be different. This year the Googler and family are busy, so it's just me and the Creature From Darkest Fife, and I don't know if we'll bother this time. If you can't make fun of the thing, why watch it?

For those reading from foreign shores, the Eurovision involves 39 countries. Each one sings a song that sounds as if it's been written by a chicken suffering from dementia, then there's a big vote at the end and whoever has the most mates gets to host the thing the next year. The Irish used to win it all the time, till they figured out it was costing them a fortune and let someone else foot the bill instead.

Now it has to be said that to me, and this is just me speaking, right? Just my opinion. But to me, all the songs are sodding appalling. Not just bad, but so dire they're funny. And the performances are usually so far over the top 'funny' becomes 'hilarious', but musically: awful. And this year I think the UK is going to be up there with the best of them. We won't win (because, a: how uncool would that be? And b: everyone still hates the UK for the whole USA/Iraq thing), but our song is every bit as crap as anything the rest of Europe (and associated regions) can muster.

Oh yes, Daz Sampson's 'Teenage Life' isn't just bad, it's eye-wateringly, toe-curlingly, jaw-droppingly, rectal-leakingly, atrocious. Think women pretending to be little children singing in nasty, slightly off-key voices while some idiot raps over the top. Latvia doesn't stand a chance! Our crapness knows no bounds! The UK song gets voted for every year by the great British public, and I think this year they've decided that to be in with a real chance of winning, we have to have a song every bit as turdulent as the other entries. And so we've got 'Teenage Life'.

The best bit, the bit that makes me wonder if Daz Sampson's taking the piss or not is this quote from the BBC Eurovision website, where they ask him about the practice of countries voting for their mates, rather than the best song:

What's your take on the so-called political voting?
Well you blame political voting but we haven't entered anything quality since '97! That's why we've done so bad. You can't send crap and expect to win just because you're Britain. It's time for a change. It's time for the People's Champion - and that's me.

Ha! Hahahahahahahahahaaaa!

The big downside is that as I'm back on the antibiotics I'd have to watch the thing sober. And I don't know if I can face that.