PORN

Nope, not downloading it, writing it. Way back when I was doing my three sentence pitch to HarperCollins (blessed be their name) I said this book was going to be about pornography, torture and football violence. Which meant that sooner or later I was going to write about Porn. Not sex – Porn.

Now I know that there’s a stigma attached to writing scenes where Tab A is inserted into Slot B or even C, or D. Val McDermid – during the Sex And Violence panel at Harrogate last year – said that as soon as you wrote any sort of sex into your books people started looking at you funny. Peering at you. Saying things like, “I didn’t know they were into that!

And I have to say, that the nature of the sex in this book is a bit… well, let’s just say it leans towards rubber romper suits and spanking, and leave it at that. Which has involved some of the weirdest research I’ve ever done for a book. And the people I spoke to really, seriously, thoroughly do NOT want to be thanked in the acknowledgements. So they’re not keen to be identified with it, and they’re into it.

But people are still going to look at me, because I’ve written about it, and go, “I didn’t know he was into that!” Or more likely, “See, told you so…” With a knowing wink.

Still, there are worse thing to be associated with I suppose. Like Morris Dancing. Or Jim Carey*.

But having porn as a plot thread poses rather unique challenges. It’s virtually impossible to make stuff up, that hasn’t been done before. I’ve been making up Porn Film Titles for one of the parts and no matter how obscure, or silly they are, a quick Google turns up a gazillion hits with the same thing in them. It seems like every time Hollywood cranks out a film, the porn studios immediately flood the market with ‘alternative versions’, like ‘Shaving Ryan’s Privates’ and ‘Forrest Hump’, or my personal favourite: ’Titty Slickers 2 – The Quest For Gold Curlies’

I was quite pleased with my ‘James Bondage’ themed films, until I Googled ‘Dildos Are For Ever’. Everything’s been done before… This stuff is seriously hard!**

Anyone got any suggestions? Porn film titles that haven’t been actually filmed already?

WARNING – comments on this one might not be work safe! So pretend you’re doing something else if anyone asks, OK?

* Seriously, I don’t want to be seen to be advocating hate crimes, but will someone PLEASE give that man a swift kick in the goolies?
** No pun intended.