First Monday of the year

Right, that’s us all back to normal now – She Who Must Bring Home The Bacon* is off to work (not exactly skipping and making with the happy la-la’s, but there you go), the in-laws are back off to Darkest Fife, and I’m sitting in front of the computer typing rubbish at an unknown quantity of people. Hurrah!

I promised you a retrospective of 2005, but I lied. No retrospective for you, naughty people. Come on, who wants to read about it anyway? What? Well... no... shut up! ... leave me alone! OK, OK: Jesus...


What I did do on my 2005 (by Stuart aged six and a half)


January:

The first draft of what will become DYING LIGHT is finished! And at last the world can see I’m much prettier than J Rickards ESQ and my shirt fits too.

February:

I reveal my guilty secret – I am to become an bearded write-ist. And the cat gets bugs in her lugs.

March:

A visit to Norway leads to fancy food, nice people and a mauling by Norwegian national radio and other assorted journalists. I go to London and learn how to manuipulate the media Bwahahahahaaaa...

April:

I give up the day job (for a year) and almost get blinded by the cat, then it was the book launch! Lovely people from Ottakar’s ply me and a weirdo with wine and canapés. Only I don’t get any of the canapés.

May:

Fighting like a bastard to drag up a new title for book 2 and scientists working in the shed at the bottom of our garden come up with a way to help those poor souls afflicted with naked chin syndrome.

June:

BRAS! Lovely women’s bras! and then some rotten buggers make fun of me to win books from the naughty, evil Lynn. And and there are slugs in my garden.

July:

HARROGATE! One of the high points of the year. And as if that wasn’t bounty enough, I also got two books from a pair of lovely ladies and a cat-sized quilt too!

August:

Edinburgh International Book Festival and reprobates! Reprobates I tells ya! And then I go and spoil it all by making fun of some poor wee lad who ended up losing his virginity without thinking...

September:

Fist instalment of Skeleton Bob is unleashed on an unsuspecting world, and She Who Musts laments another birthday. And James gets an agent! Hurrah!

October:

I do my first solo event at Huntly and nobody throws anything. I don’t get a postcard from Italy and come up with one of the most stupid ideas I’ll have all year.

November:

My one-man Beardy Wierdy tour hits Lanark and I meet a nice performance poet. Ahem... Goodling Brother Christopher and SIL Kim come up with a new protagonist for my second series of books. And Stuart goes drinking in London. Again. But doesn't win no Daggers. And Trace gets a book deal!

December:

I am very stooopid and post these: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12



* And cheese and mince and garlic and maybe a nice bottle of shiraz...