OK, OK, I'll tell you a story. Quit bugging me. Once upon a time there was this wee girl and she wouldn't shut up when her uncle was babysitting, so he chopped off her head, stuck it in the microwave and cooked it on full power until her eyeballs exploded.
What?
Come on, what do you want from me? Jesus… OK, OK. Right, so once upon a time there was this wee girl and her name was Jemma, and Jemma-- Oh for God's sake, OK, she was called Susan. That better, you little egomaniac?
Right, OK, so Susan was walking down the street one day when she sees this wee golden frog, lying in the gutter. And there's no one about, so she picks it up and looks at it. It's got all these markings on it that look like writing, but she can't read it, 'cause she's only four and a half. But she remembers the story about the princess and the frog, so she gives him a wee kiss on his golden cheek and the frog comes to life. He's a magic frog, see? He tells Susan that he wants to go to the park, 'cause he's got some magic froggy business to do there, and would she mind taking him along?
Later that day she's in the park, playing on the swings and she sees this old man sitting on a bench over by the bins, and he's got his hands in his pockets and he's watching all the little kiddies playing. And he's, you know, all "Huuuuh, oooh, mmmmm…" Yea, yea, like the guy who works in the garage, anyway, he's sitting there watching the kiddies and suddenly he gets up and he comes over to the swings and he says to Susan, he says, "Hello little girl, does you want to come see some kittens?" And she's like, "No way, my mummy and daddy told me to stay away from sketchy bastards like you" but wee Timmy who's on the slides isn't so particular. He says, "Aye, I'd like to go see some kittens." And the old guy takes Timmy's hand and leads him off into the bushes.
What? Oh, yea, the frog. I'm getting to that. Emm, anyway, Susan waits for Timmy to come back from the bushes, you know, wanting to know what the kittens were like, but Timmy doesn't come out of the bushes. And, like, Susan waits and waits and waits and waits, but there's still no sign of Timmy. So Susan goes into the bushes and has a look for him. And there he is, all curled up like a wee mouse under the bush. And she thinks he's sleeping, but he's not sleeping, he's dead! Head all bashed and misshapen.
Then Susan has an idea: she takes out the wee golden frog and she gives him a kiss on the cheek. And hey-presto, the wee frog wakes up and looks about for a bit, then down at wee dead Timmy. And Susan says, "Magic frog, I wish Timmy wasn't dead." And the frog says, "I'm no that kind of frog, princess. I'm no a wishing frog, I'm a revenge frog." And she goes, "A revenge frog? What's that?" and the frog tells her it's his job to make sure that bad people get what's coming to them.
So Susan thinks about this for a minute and then she says, "So you can't make Timmy come back to life?" and the frog shakes his wee froggy head and says, "Nope. Timmy's staying dead."
Susan has another think and then she says, "But if I take you to the old man, you'll hurt him?" The frog looks down at wee Timmy, and he says, "Yup. You get me in the old bastard's pocket and I'll see he gets what's coming to him."
So Susan goes looking for the old man, and she finds him outside the library and he's rubbing the front of his trousers and looking in the window at the kiddies' section. And she takes the frog out of her pocket and she goes up to the old man and she says, "Hey mister, what you doing?" And he says he's waiting to see if anyone wants to come look at his kittens, says he's got black ones and white ones and striped ones and Susan says, "I've not got any kittens, but I do have a wee golden frog, would you like to see him?"
She holds up the frog and the old man snatches him out of her hand. And he turns the frog over in his hands and he looks at the funny words written on the frog ands then he hands it back. "Nice frog," he says, "you want to come see my kittens? I'll let you stroke them." And he heads off into the bushes.
Now Susan's not sure what she's going to do, so she kissed the frog and she asks him. He thinks about it and then he says, "You've got to go into the bushes and slip me into the old git's pocket. Then Timmy can have his revenge."
So she goes into the bushes and it's all dark under the leaves and it smells of pish and rotting meat. And the old man's waiting for her. She walks right up to him and slides the frog into the old man's pocket. And she's smiling 'cause she knows the frog's going to make something nasty happen to the old man. "You want to see my kittens?" asks the old man, and she thinks, "Why not, I'm here anyway…" but the old man's not got any kittens, he's got a hammer and he bashes Susan's head in and eats her soul.
And then, when she's cold and empty, the old man goes out and puts the wee golden frog where some other kiddie will find it. 'Cause he knows the frog will bring him all the souls he can eat.
What? Oh, come on, don't look at me like that! You believe everything some talking frog tells you, you deserve what you get.
It's the Fish Of Fun that makes all the difference
