Advertising small print (part 1)

Picture the scene – it’s down town New York, our hero is walking along minding his own business. But what’s this? A distant roaring, coming closer! It’s the sounds of a gigantic gorilla on the rampage! (off camera as it’s cheaper that way) ‘My goodness,’ we think, ‘this is tense and dramatic.’ Then suddenly a huge burger falls from the sky and crushes a yellow cab! HUGE! Massive big huge burger.

Clearly Mr K Kong has popped past the Burger King drive-through on Skull Island, but in all the excitement of clambering up the Empire State Building he’s dropped it. Probably invalidating the taxi driver’s insurance. Can you imagine the claim form? ‘Reason For Accident: car crushed by giant gorilla’s double whopper with cheese and bacon.’ That’s going to go down well. The insurance company aren’t going to be laughing up their sleeves at that one, are they?

And then the booming voiceover tells us how we can ‘Kong our Whoppers’ for only 20p! Even if it does sound like a forbidden sexual practice.

Then our hero, obviously unconcerned by the fact there’s a huge ape on the loose who’s probably going to want his burger back, takes a bite out of Kong’s gargantuan burger. And that’s a wrap.

OK, leaving aside the fact that the scenario is a little far fetched – one: I know for a fact that King Kong prefers KFC Zinger Towerburgers with a side of corn and a diet Sprite, and two: to get a slice of bacon to ‘Kong’ up a burger that size you’d need a pig about as large as a blue whale – the best bit comes right at the bottom of the screen in tiny little letters: ‘product shown not actual size’.

Well, duh!

There was I thinking I could wander into any branch of BK and buy a burger the size of a bull elephant. Can you imagine how much that would cost? And how much spit the guys working the grill could get in there?

Shudder...