Scratch and Sniff

I must be pretty damn tasty, because something has been biting me big-style*. And to make sure that the full itchy benefit is felt all the bites have swollen up to the size of cantaloupe melons** and gone baboon’s-arse-red. I showed these to my doting wife, expecting some sort of sympathy – Ha!


She Who Must, takes one look and says, “Have you had chickenpox?” Like it’s my own silly fault.
“Yes,” says I, “I’ve had chicken pox.”
“You sure?”
Small pause while I give her ‘the look’. “Yes I’m sure, I was there.”
“Oh...” Thoughtful silence. “These ones are all in a circle,” Poke, Poke.
Aaaaah! Leave them alone! Horrible wife!” Our hero skitters away out of reach.
“Maybe it’s bubonic plague? They all had lumps in a circle like that. You know – ring a ring a rosies?”
Stuart exits stage left in an itchy huff.


One minute I’ve got nasty midge bites and the next it’s the Black Death. This is what happens when one looks to ones wife for sympathy.

In addition to my dose of the bubonic I have also developed an cold of epic proportions. You know the sort – when your eyeballs feel like they don’t fit in your head any more, because someone’s stuffed it full of napalm and fire-ants? Three days now I’ve been sniffing and snorking. Remember that post about introducing Mr Nose to Mr Grindstone? Well, that’s exactly what it looks like: half-a-punna-mince (as they say up here), all red and swollen. Very sexy. I was going to try a hot toddy last night, but we haven’t got any whisky (it’s a long story***) so had to settle for a tot of Aquavit instead. It tastes like very alcoholic pine disinfectant, so it must be good at clearing out the old tubes, no? No. But it does make everything smell funny for days afterwards.

Have to hope I’m feeling better for my lovely ladies of the ice on Monday. Otherwise it’s going to be a right proper bastard hanging about in a frozen rink for two hours.

* Nothing big, I mean it’s not a mountain lion or anything (they’re not that common in Aberdeenshire) or a rabid futtrit. Probably just a midge with teeth like six-inch galvanised steel nails.
** OK, so maybe that’s a small exaggeration on my part.
*** We drank it – actually, it’s not such a long story now I think about it.