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Blind Eye

Stuart MacBride lives in the North East of Scotland, where he writes gruesome crime novels and grows gruesome potatoes.

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Upcoming events
14 Jul:
CONSTANT READER BOOKSHOP - SYDNEY
15 Jul:
AVID READER BOOKSHOP - BRISBANE
16 Jul:
FULLERS HOBART BOOKSHOP - HOBART, TASMANIA
17 - 19 Jul:
CRIME AND JUSTICE FESTIVAL - MELBOURNE
CHANGE OF VENUE20 Jul:
MELVILLE CITY LIBRARY - WESTERN AUSTRALIA

23 - 36 Jul:
THEAKSTONS OLD PECULIER CRIME WRITING FESTIVAL - HARROGATE
15 Aug:
MACBRIDE & GUTHRIE TALK BOLLOCKS - EDINBURGH INTERNATIONAL BOOK FESTIVAL

Friday, July 15, 2005

Three nights of drunken debauchery

Well, probably not so much of the debauchery, but plenty of drunkenness. The Harrogate crime festival is now less than a week away. It’ll be the first time I’ve ever attended one of these things, so not entirely sure what to expect. And as I’m going to be on a panel next Friday, I have even less idea.

I’m on with Louise Anderson, Catherine Sampson and Ilona van Mil, three lady writers and yours truly. Hmm, with my reputation? What were they thinking of? Mind you I’ll bet Val McDermid (chairing) will keep hanky-panky and other things that rhyme with ‘bondelling’ to a minimum ;}#

Then there’s all the drinking – Opening party on Thursday, drinks after the event on Friday (God knows I’ll need one after being on the panel. I used to be the kind of guy who’d think nothing of stripping off to my golden boxer shorts and dance about on stage with 20 or 30 lovely young ladies, but those days are long gone.) and then a super-duper champagne reception on the Saturday, courtesy of the lovely people at HC. Hurrah!

I also get to finally meet The Rickards, and I’m betting he’s even shorter in real life than he looks on his blog. Teeeeeeeny tiny. With big white trainers. Like a cartoon mouse, only without the ears. Not sure about the tail. I don’t know why, but I have the sneaking suspicion that this will prompt even more drinking.

The only thing I think we can be 100% sure of is that by the time I get off the train on Sunday (after a delightful 9 hour trip up from Harrogate, changing at Leeds, Perth, Dundee and Aberdeen) I will be a lot poorer, suffering from some sort of cold, and with a liver the size of a medium-sized Labrador.

Sounds like a good weekend all round then. Anyone else going?

12 Comments:

At 12:18 PM, Anonymous tambo said...

Ah, Stuart... Panels are fun! Honest and truly. You spend about an hour with folks eagerly gobbling up yor every word. Panel are not scary, as long as you don't have a problem being in front of a crowd. Make sure you have a glass of water handy (sitting near a pitcher, should they have them, is a plus). Your lower end will likely be under a table and behind a curtain so you could, in theory, just be wearing those golden shorts (but you do have to stand up when it's over so I wouldn't recommend that).

Take your book to stand up in front of you - ooooh! Look, Ethel! It's a big name hardcover author! - have an idea of things you want to say, and just be yourself.

You'll be a huge hit. Panels are a lot more frightening to think about than to actually do. I love being on panels.

As for Rickards, pinch his widdle tail for me, will ya? ;)

 
At 12:43 PM, Blogger John R. said...

Not so much a cartoon mouse. More Sonic the Hedgehog.

 
At 12:45 PM, Blogger John R. said...

Which means you'll see me zooming all over the hotel collecting rings.

*waggles eyebrows*

 
At 2:08 PM, Blogger Sarah said...

I'll probably do a proper "Girl's Guide to Harrogate" next week but some choice advice:

- if you get stuck in an elevator, make sure Mo Hayder's with you. That woman is sheer calm under pressure.

- don't overindulge in the Green Room, but you won't be able to resist b/c they *really* take care of the authors, food and drink-wise.

- and beware the Abba tribute tribute bands. No, that is not a typo.

 
At 6:01 PM, Blogger Stuart MacBride said...

Hmmm, so I’ll be finally facing my waterloo… Better dig out the silver spandex jumpsuit then. I’m sure I can borrow a bowl-cut wig, and I already have a beard – I am Benny Andersson!

And Tambo, I’m not pinching any sort of ‘tail’ Rickards widdles through. That’s neither hygienic, nor gentlemanly. Naughty!

 
At 9:27 PM, Anonymous tambo said...

What's wrong with a little naughty, unhygenic fun? Happens all the time at conventions.

 
At 10:02 PM, Blogger Russel said...

Long time listener (well a few weeks or something) first time caller... Heading down to Harrogate to poke around and with tickets for the first blood event (among others) I am expecting beardy entertainment such as I have come to expect lurking around here. Which I am quite certain there will be (whether the three ladies can provide beardy entertainment I don't know but I'm sure they'll provide non-beardy entertainment at least).

And maybe its just the hour and the fact I have to prepare to go sell H*rry P*tter tomorrow morning but I really can't think of anything that rhymes with "bondelling"... oh, wait, now I have (it was that "e" threw me off)...

 
At 10:02 PM, Blogger JamesO said...

Just remember Harrogate is a very genteel town, Mr Stuart. Twinset and pearls. Try not to upset the local geriatrics as you parade down the street dressed as Benny and singing 'Money, money, money'. You might not get invited back.

 
At 10:55 AM, Blogger Stuart MacBride said...

Welcome aboard Russel, you'll regret it soon enough ;}#

I plan to leap on the table halfway through the event and launch into a falsetto rendition of ‘Dancing Queen’, after which I’m going to pass on Mr Banks’ challenge to Ruth Rendell. Nude jello wrestling wasn’t it Ray? Going to be the highlight of the festival that.

 
At 12:33 PM, Blogger Ray said...

There was nothing nude involved. A simple arm-wrestle, that's all, which Rendell seems unable to come to terms with. If she suggests a full-on jelly wrestle, I will be forthcoming. I have a hankering for the sweet, slimy feel of aspic on my guns.

And have a good look at McD - I have a suspicion that she has three white wiry hairs growing from her chin, and that she has named them Snap, Crackle and Pop. I need that suspicion confirmed or denied, please, seeing as I won't be going to Harrogate.

Honestly, you big name authors and your schedules...

 
At 12:58 PM, Blogger John R. said...

I'd be careful if I were you, Ray. I hear that the 'Ruth Rendell' who appears on TV and places as a mild-mannered woman of advancing years is not, in fact, the real Rendell but a mere front for an 8-foot raw wood alcohol-swilling mountain of biceps and gristle of indeterminate gender who can break rocks on its abdominals and who lives on a diet of fresh children's brains and goat's blood.

Obviously, publishers can't show a picture of Gribblor's bloody maw on the back of the books, so they employ a stand-in.

 
At 11:47 AM, Blogger Ray said...

I'll still piss on it. C'MAAAAAAAN!

 
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