How Safe Is Your…

Now before I go of on yet another rant, I have a confession to make. I have never seen a single episode of the show I am about to slate. Like those people who objected to ‘Jerry Springer The Opera’ without having seen it (and not on the basis that it just wasn’t very funny, the singing / arrangement left a lot to be desired, and to be frank: South Park do it much, much better) I do so because of my own prejudices and preconceptions. That and SKY keep putting on adverts for the bloody thing all the time (‘So You Think You’re Safe?, not ‘Jerry Springer’), so I have more than enough information to know that I detest this kind of anti-filth.

For those of you lucky enough not to have come into contact with it, ‘So You Think You’re Safe?’ is a whole series pointing out why you shouldn’t eat food, sleep in hotel rooms, go to the toilet, or use your keyboard at work, because you might catch cooties! Cleaning chainsaws with your eyebrows: don’t you know how DANGEROUS that is? Don’t drop hydrochloric acid down your trousers: it may sting! The world is a terrible place, full of bugs! Microbes! Viral infections! Bacteria! OH MY GOD, did you just breathe some air? Don’t you know PEOPLE FART IN IT! (and OK, I’ll give them that one – as all smells are particulate a fart is made up of tiny little bits from someone’s bum-hole, and few of us want to be ingesting that {members of parliament excepted.})


What do they expect the viewing public to do? Nip down the nearest army surplus shop and pick up a half-dozen HAZMAT suits before daring to take a stroll down to ASDA to buy the three tons of industrial disinfectant they’ll need to make it through to tomorrow lunchtime? Who the hell commissions garbage like this and how do we make sure their body is never found (though I suppose we could just get David V to chuck the bits in his local tip).

Coming soon: How Safe Is Your Bum-Hole? Don’t you know that's where POO comes from!?!